I am scared!

Recently, I kept googling "False Converts", "False Christians" and "am I truly saved?"

What I saw scared me. I can practically say yes to ninety percent of what I read about false converts. If it were the inverse, I found myself saying no to ninety percent. Beyond acknowledging the Trinity, and the resurrection of Jesus, I searched myself and realised that I failed the other tests (not those novelty quizzes, but something like 2 Corinthians 13:5).

These are some of the sites:
www.gotquestions.org/false-con…
www.acts17-11.com/christian.ht…

Now, I shall tell you about the years I spent, those years with head knowledge of the Christian life. My belief in my salvation keeps going up and down every day.

When I was sixteen, I hated a boy from my class a lot. Then later I liked him. So I got frustrated and hurt myself. Then my friends decided to bring me to church camp. I can't remember what was taught, but I was sure it was not the message of salvation (the camp, obviously, was for believers who attended that church).

I was raised with a Buddhist background, so I was aware that the spiritual realm does exist (though not in the Christian sense). Therefore, a benevolent God was not something incomprehensible to me. I decided to go to church in secret, and I came across the knowledge of grace, and Christ's sacrifice and resurrection from sermons and church friends. I was like, okay, He died for my sins, and of I believe, my sins would be forgiven and I would have a relationship with God. So I prayed the sinner's prayer. But I had no idea that sin was indeed part of man's nature and it is central to Christianity, and a believer's relationship with God. My resulting mindset was that God could empower me to live as I wish, and confessing my sins was something alien to me.

After I told my parents, they gave me freedom to go to church until Good Friday, since the week of Good Friday comes before first years attend a polytechnic orientation program. I still desired the company and deepening my relationship with God, so I attended Campus Crusade (now called Cru) in my polytechnic (then again, in secret from my parents). It was there that I came across Ephesians 2:1-10 and indwelling sin. I was shocked that unbelievers are destined for hell (and I still believe that now).

I entertained the sins of procrastination and laziness, up to the point I stopped attending Crossroads (it is like a church service for Campus Crusader), and dropped out of the body altogether to finish the schoolwork I had pushed to the end (unlike an academic setting, pushing work to the end is disastrous on my performance, grades and skill level). Because attending Cru started to feel rote. There was no eagerness. I just wanted to learn something and leave. I did not feel like I wanted to be there as I felt like I was masquerading as a Christian. Why did I feel this way?

On one Crossroads session, it was brought up that no external affiliation makes one a true believer. I realised that my individual prayers lack emotion, are dry, even my worship feels forced. Reading the Bible on my own only makes me point out things I already knew from what others taught, and what I have read since going to church. I had no interest in conferences, I kept doodling on my worksheets. I have no courage or motivation to share the gospel. Any enthusiasm and eagerness for Christian-y things were gone.

I then drifted into a lifestyle and thought pattern so contrary to the Word. Sinful thoughts and fantasies, blasphemous things like "I like my sinful life now, so I am going to burn in hell anyway". And that was about two years after I prayed that prayer. Note that I didn't used the word 'saved'.

It was after an incident with "bodhi-tree seed amulets" my mom kept asking me to pray with, that I realised that kind of lifestyle was futile, and that God has mercy and grace just to simply keep me alive. Who says one only knows their fate when they are old and frail? I praised God, I gave thanks, and decided to commit myself to a relationship with Him again. Never did I realise that confidence and joy would fade after a few days. Prayer wad just heaping empty words. Whatever meaning the Spirit-indwelt believer could get from His Word, the meaning was wrested away from me. I know the story, but not the message. I was assailed by doubt and began the googling I mentioned before.

"Eagerness for His Word." "Obedience out of love". "Change in desires." I have none of these (I liked anime with questionable themes for those two years). I kept confessing every sinful thought and action the moment I commit them, yet I found no assurance in "Thank You for forgiving my sins, past, present and future with Christ's death on the cross." On some days I felt slightly encouraged, on other days I doubt my salvation. It didn't help that I was going solo (not joined to a body) and I did not go beyond acquaintances at school.

Now, a non-Christian may go "it's futile, just forget about this Christianity altogether." I want to be saved. But at the same time I knew that it's God who chooses whom to save (no one is righteous and seeks God on His own), and I feel no longing to come close to God. Am I that hard of heart that my fate is sealed in my late teens?

Intellectual assent is easy. Faith and trust is not.