TamamoMae

Alright, this has been at me for months. I don't know if I am already forsaken, or committed the sin unto death (maybe I did, but I wish I am not there), but I just want to get things out.

Alright, I shall tell you about my years of professing as a Christian. Please do note that I refer the word "profession" to an outer sort.

I went to church to get solace for a personal crisis. I was not a genuine seeker; I was looking for a God to soothe my wounds, so based on that I assumed that God is a loving God (note: not what the bible calls loving). I sought to fight for my rights to "believe what I want" under the house (I come from a non-believing family) instead of telling them what saves; the gospel. I didn't think my family could buy it, but on hindsight I didn't truly buy it, didn't truly commit to Christ, therefore no desire to share the gospel. But I fooled myself, big time. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9).

I sought spiritual comfort, and did not bother to ask people what is repentance. I skipped past descriptions of sinners and assumed that I am not among that party. Even if my sins were among them, I didn't take the warnings of not going into heaven with those sins seriously.

I had my own ideas about God. I did not understand the bible, but I thought that by simply believing in Christ to save me from sin, that would be enough to get me into heaven, when I did not get a sense of what God calls light and darkness. I thought that by standing against homosexuality, atheism, abortion, other religions and evolution, I was good enough. I thought my sins are covered by the blood so I don't have to worry about sinning. I even thought that reading my own subjective interpretation and following the lead of my feelings is the right way to read the bible. I thought that was how God's truth worked. Not long after I started school a month later, I forgot that Christ saves someone from their sins and from what others tell me, it definitely shows cause it is a consequence of trusting in Christ.

I thought that believing in the Christian God is a reasonable thing to do, and my "testimony" would state that I read books written by atheists-to-Christians, so I was amazed and decided to believe. I was proud that I even accepted Christianity so readily when I didn't experience the offense of the cross. I thought that by using Christ's name I can claim victory over any trouble I had. I said "Hallelujah" when things go my way even though it may violate God's laws and character. I even sought tongues to proof my "salvation" because I attended a Pentecostal church then.

I schemed ways to deceive my parents into thinking that I am not doing Christian things (going to Christian gatherings, reading the bible, praying). Yet at the same time I was enjoying the world, tempting God by going into a group project and a worldly school camp, willingly diving into situations where I collaborated with other people on anti-God products and revelings. But they were optional things I could avoid altogether. I watched shows with questionable values, I find lying convenient, I find slacking on schoolwork convenient, I find fits of anger convenient, but I don't hate my sin.

I gradually dropped out of Christian meetings and bible study sessions. I engaged in blatant sin. But after an issue with my mom over Buddhist amulets, I told God I was sorry for my sins and thanked Him for His mercy. I told Him I want to seek His ways and please Him.

But little did I know, I had no desire to carry His commands out, and I realised how different the Jesus I believed in from the Jesus of the bible. Further digging on the internet turned up sermons and articles witnessing against my conscience, desires and lifestyle to be a sham to my outward profession. Looks like simply believing isn't enough, cause "You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder!" --James 2:19
"From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” --Matthew 4:17
"And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." --Acts 2:38

Verse describing sinners of every shade started to bother me, cause now I got a sense of God's judgement. Would you respect a judge that allows a murderer to go scot free? Verses and passages showing God's standards of righteousness I used to like, but I started to resent them because I find sinning to be convenient, and God judges and punishes those who love darkness and hate light. And that humans really have no ability or desire to choose God cause they love wickedness. I started to get a sense of being a child of wrath, being of "my father the devil", hating God, and the offense of the Gospel. Jesus said that it is better to cut off the right hand or pluck out the right eye than go to hell with the whole body. I can feel that pain. Parting with sin, making restitution and asking for forgiveness to the people I wronged, it is like to me those things. It is insane to cut off the right hand or pluck out the right eye because they are so precious to you, yeah?

I started to feel hate towards God, and I hated myself for creating a wound-licker of a god (really an idol) in my heart, I was sorry that I put myself into greater judgement by sinning against knowledge of the gospel, but I only have a fear of judgement and not a genuine hatred for sin. I only hate sin because it puts me in hell, not because, as how God and His children see it, it is a vile thing. At times I felt that I would have at least some comfort of having my parents with me in hell. I even planned to tell my parents why I don't want to follow Jesus anymore, but there is a small part of me that wish that I was one of the elect, having the kind of repentance granted by God that leads to saving faith in Christ. But even this is stemmed from a selfish desire to escape the wrath to come.

I no longer trusted Scripture's ability to save, because it can judge and harden sinners also. Without the Spirit's work, the Word of God is dead. And an unbeliever cannot grasp and appropriate spiritual truth unless he is quickened by the Spirit.

I read about the unpardonable sin. Some have said it was a very specific sin of attributing Jesus's miracles to Satan, hence it could only be committed during His earthly ministry. But I have seen a more scary interpretation. You know the passages in the gospels where the Pharisees proclaim Jesus' miracles to be Satanic? Warning passages about apostasy from Hebrews are used to support the position that God can be so resisted to a point where he hardens the person and gives him up to judgement.

"4 For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, 6 and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. 7 For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. 8 But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned." --Hebrews 6:4-8 ESV

"15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; 16 that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. 17 For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears." --Hebrews 12:15-17


I am already starting to resent God's requirements for being His disciple, I plan on how to tell my parents about not wanting to associate myself with Christ, and I feel indifferent towards the gospel.

"26 For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, 27 but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. 28 Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. 29  How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the onewho has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace?  </b> 30 For we know him who said, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge his people.” 31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." --Hebrews 10:26-31

I came across this warning from Hebrews 6:4-6, “For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.”

Yikes! I made a profession of faith, I sat under teaching, I visit Christian sites, I see fruit in the lives and testimonies of others, yet my heart is really after carnal things and not Christ! I know more than enough to be saved, but I have a persistent, unrepentant streak of sin! My deeds and desires prove that I am re-joining those that mocked Him and put Him to death!

This made me afraid that I am already in the situation described above, locked out of mercy forever. I fear that I cannot seek repentance even through tears!

When I first attended church for a month, what I knew about the gospel was that Jesus took on the punishment humanity so deserves, how much God loved us despite our sins, and how He has defeated death (I only knew about physical death then) by rising from the dead. I did not really grasp that sin is disobedience towards a holy God, but I felt touched that He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross. All I have to do is to accept Him as Lord and Saviour, I thought. So I went online and looked for the Sinner’s Prayer, and prayed that.

However, I lived on my life with a form of godliness by attending Campus Crusade and its events, but denying its power by having no desire to pursue God on my own, participating in worldly things and affections. I thought faith was simply agreeing and believing in whatever the bible and pulpit says, but even though I have attended sessions on how to divide the Word of God, I get frustrated with dividing it during my own private time. I believed that His blood cleansed me from my sin. Initially, I will feel bad about certain sins like lying to my parents and watching questionable shows, but eventually there was no remorse over sins I commit. My prayers most of the time were self-serving, seeking to bless self-satisfying endeavours, never about bringing God the glory He deserves.

I never knew how conviction of sin feels like, and my attitude and external deeds are no different from those who outright reject Christ. And that I have the Gospel shown to me numerous times (God created us to have a relationship with Him, but we rebelled and are sinners by nature. He sent His Son, who lived a perfect life, died on the cross and rose from the dead. Those who believe in Him will not perish but have eternal life), intellectually I understand, yet I don’t feel affected by it. Shouldn’t that be the core of Christian belief, the reminder of a Christian’s love for Christ, and feeds his desire to share the gospel to the unsaved?

I don’t know how genuine is the Jesus I build my faith and beliefs on, false idol or the one true God? Did I confuse worship euphoria with love for Christ? Did I confuse Christian participation as my faith? I can’t grasp, from a godly perspective, that man (including me) is inherently sinful and hate His authority, and that being a disciple of Christ is no easy-believism. To this day I can’t swallow the fact that many who came to Jesus during His earthly ministry were looking for free food and miracles, and walked away when He talked about following Him for real. And then there is Judas who walked with Him, did works in His name, yet loved money more than Him enough to betray Him. I am certain of God’s existence, but if I am wrong about Him, I only have this life to choose what is right. I don’t even dare to say that the Jesus I know (about) is an incomplete picture. I really fear that what I perceive to be true would be fatal for my soul.

I didn’t think much about it during my first year of profession, I excused myself as a babe in Christ. But it has been two years and I am starting to worry about how genuine my faith is, second guessing every intention I have about praying to God and reading the bible. I am wrecked with doubt. I have told some Christians, “I am sorry I am not a Christian” because I feel fearful hiding under His banner as an empty professor. And I am tempted to tell my unbelieving parents the same thing and forget about seeking Jesus and saving faith altogether, falling away.

What does it mean to know Christ? I can read the bible from front to back and know about Him, but not know Him as Lord and Saviour.

What scares me the most? “I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.”

I feel trapped because no matter what I am thinking or agreeing with, I feel that I am damned already. No desire for Bible reading and prayer and the things of Christ? False convert. Hiding my faith when around unbelievers? I don't really believe in what I profess. Reject the gospel and tell the whole world I am never a Christian? An apostate that can never be renewed to repentance. Not joining in ungodly things the unbelievers do? Great, I'm on safe ground... not, because that is a work I use to justify myself, telling God that I am a Christian and therefore cannot go to hell.

Recently, I kept googling "False Converts", "False Christians" and "am I truly saved?"

What I saw scared me. I can practically say yes to ninety percent of what I read about false converts. If it were the inverse, I found myself saying no to ninety percent. Beyond acknowledging the Trinity, and the resurrection of Jesus, I searched myself and realised that I failed the other tests (not those novelty quizzes, but something like 2 Corinthians 13:5).

These are some of the sites:
www.gotquestions.org/false-con…
www.acts17-11.com/christian.ht…

Now, I shall tell you about the years I spent, those years with head knowledge of the Christian life. My belief in my salvation keeps going up and down every day.

When I was sixteen, I hated a boy from my class a lot. Then later I liked him. So I got frustrated and hurt myself. Then my friends decided to bring me to church camp. I can't remember what was taught, but I was sure it was not the message of salvation (the camp, obviously, was for believers who attended that church).

I was raised with a Buddhist background, so I was aware that the spiritual realm does exist (though not in the Christian sense). Therefore, a benevolent God was not something incomprehensible to me. I decided to go to church in secret, and I came across the knowledge of grace, and Christ's sacrifice and resurrection from sermons and church friends. I was like, okay, He died for my sins, and of I believe, my sins would be forgiven and I would have a relationship with God. So I prayed the sinner's prayer. But I had no idea that sin was indeed part of man's nature and it is central to Christianity, and a believer's relationship with God. My resulting mindset was that God could empower me to live as I wish, and confessing my sins was something alien to me.

After I told my parents, they gave me freedom to go to church until Good Friday, since the week of Good Friday comes before first years attend a polytechnic orientation program. I still desired the company and deepening my relationship with God, so I attended Campus Crusade (now called Cru) in my polytechnic (then again, in secret from my parents). It was there that I came across Ephesians 2:1-10 and indwelling sin. I was shocked that unbelievers are destined for hell (and I still believe that now).

I entertained the sins of procrastination and laziness, up to the point I stopped attending Crossroads (it is like a church service for Campus Crusader), and dropped out of the body altogether to finish the schoolwork I had pushed to the end (unlike an academic setting, pushing work to the end is disastrous on my performance, grades and skill level). Because attending Cru started to feel rote. There was no eagerness. I just wanted to learn something and leave. I did not feel like I wanted to be there as I felt like I was masquerading as a Christian. Why did I feel this way?

On one Crossroads session, it was brought up that no external affiliation makes one a true believer. I realised that my individual prayers lack emotion, are dry, even my worship feels forced. Reading the Bible on my own only makes me point out things I already knew from what others taught, and what I have read since going to church. I had no interest in conferences, I kept doodling on my worksheets. I have no courage or motivation to share the gospel. Any enthusiasm and eagerness for Christian-y things were gone.

I then drifted into a lifestyle and thought pattern so contrary to the Word. Sinful thoughts and fantasies, blasphemous things like "I like my sinful life now, so I am going to burn in hell anyway". And that was about two years after I prayed that prayer. Note that I didn't used the word 'saved'.

It was after an incident with "bodhi-tree seed amulets" my mom kept asking me to pray with, that I realised that kind of lifestyle was futile, and that God has mercy and grace just to simply keep me alive. Who says one only knows their fate when they are old and frail? I praised God, I gave thanks, and decided to commit myself to a relationship with Him again. Never did I realise that confidence and joy would fade after a few days. Prayer wad just heaping empty words. Whatever meaning the Spirit-indwelt believer could get from His Word, the meaning was wrested away from me. I know the story, but not the message. I was assailed by doubt and began the googling I mentioned before.

"Eagerness for His Word." "Obedience out of love". "Change in desires." I have none of these (I liked anime with questionable themes for those two years). I kept confessing every sinful thought and action the moment I commit them, yet I found no assurance in "Thank You for forgiving my sins, past, present and future with Christ's death on the cross." On some days I felt slightly encouraged, on other days I doubt my salvation. It didn't help that I was going solo (not joined to a body) and I did not go beyond acquaintances at school.

Now, a non-Christian may go "it's futile, just forget about this Christianity altogether." I want to be saved. But at the same time I knew that it's God who chooses whom to save (no one is righteous and seeks God on His own), and I feel no longing to come close to God. Am I that hard of heart that my fate is sealed in my late teens?

Intellectual assent is easy. Faith and trust is not.

I have not been posting deviations or journals from a long time. I would like to share what has happened to me.

As I was doodling a child holding the Bible, I was reminded of a Family of Faith Project by a user called Shaun Snow .
I did not take part in 2015's FOF project as I was spiritually immature. I was prideful; proud of my training as a visual artist and an animation student. My life was dishonest too. My faith was cold.

Until a moment, when my prebelieving mother brought back an amulet from a neighbouring country, and wanted me to use it to pray in front of her. As I refused, she started getting flustered, and told me that a simple plea from Jesus to lead a moral life got twisted into religion by man.

Even though my faith was cold, I knew that I did not want to have anything to do with the amulet. I shook my head when she told me over and over again to use it, "wouldn't it hurt you to have the blessing of both Jesus and the Buddha?"

That night, I realised that if my faith was so cold I have no hope of going to heaven, what makes me think that God would wait until I am old and frail to take away my life? I realised that God had given me time to repent. So I confessed my sins, specifically, to confront it and see it for the filth that it is, repented, and walked with God again.

And I want to share that as a Child of God, it is not too late to repent and walk with him again.