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About Film & Animation / Student Carrie TanFemale/Singapore Recent Activity
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Carrie Tan
Artist | Student | Film & Animation
Singapore
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When I first attended church for a month, what I knew about the gospel was that Jesus took on the punishment humanity so deserves, how much God loved us despite our sins, and how He has defeated death (I only knew about physical death then) by rising from the dead. I did not really grasp that sin is disobedience towards a holy God, but I felt touched that He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross. All I have to do is to accept Him as Lord and Saviour, I thought. So I went online and looked for the Sinner’s Prayer, and prayed that.

However, I lived on my life with a form of godliness by attending Campus Crusade and its events, but denying its power by having no desire to pursue God on my own, participating in worldly things and affections. I thought faith was simply agreeing and believing in whatever the bible and pulpit says, but even though I have attended sessions on how to divide the Word of God, I get frustrated with dividing it during my own private time. I believed that His blood cleansed me from my sin. Initially, I will feel bad about certain sins like lying to my parents and watching questionable shows, but eventually there was no remorse over sins I commit. My prayers most of the time were self-serving, seeking to bless self-satisfying endeavours, never about bringing God the glory He deserves.

I never knew how conviction of sin feels like, and my attitude and external deeds are no different from those who outright reject Christ. And that I have the Gospel shown to me numerous times (God created us to have a relationship with Him, but we rebelled and are sinners by nature. He sent His Son, who lived a perfect life, died on the cross and rose from the dead. Those who believe in Him will not perish but have eternal life), intellectually I understand, yet I don’t feel affected by it. Shouldn’t that be the core of Christian belief, the reminder of a Christian’s love for Christ, and feeds his desire to share the gospel to the unsaved?

I don’t know how genuine is the Jesus I build my faith and beliefs on, false idol or the one true God? Did I confuse worship euphoria with love for Christ? Did I confuse Christian participation as my faith? I can’t grasp, from a godly perspective, that man (including me) is inherently sinful and hate His authority, and that being a disciple of Christ is no easy-believism. To this day I can’t swallow the fact that many who came to Jesus during His earthly ministry were looking for free food and miracles, and walked away when He talked about following Him for real. And then there is Judas who walked with Him, did works in His name, yet loved money more than Him enough to betray Him. I am certain of God’s existence, but if I am wrong about Him, I only have this life to choose what is right. I don’t even dare to say that the Jesus I know (about) is an incomplete picture. I really fear that what I perceive to be true would be fatal for my soul.

I didn’t think much about it during my first year of profession, I excused myself as a babe in Christ. But it has been two years and I am starting to worry about how genuine my faith is, second guessing every intention I have about praying to God and reading the bible. I am wrecked with doubt. I have told some Christians, “I am sorry I am not a Christian” because I feel fearful hiding under His banner as an empty professor. And I am tempted to tell my unbelieving parents the same thing and forget about seeking Jesus and saving faith altogether, falling away.

What does it mean to know Christ? I can read the bible from front to back and know about Him, but not know Him as Lord and Saviour.
What scares me the most? “I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.”
merry Christmas by kokecit  by holy spirit by kokecit
This guy does high quality Christian art!
kokecit.deviantart.com/

Brothers and sisters in Christ, may these paintings uplift you and encourage your walk with God. They did for me.
Recently, I kept googling "False Converts", "False Christians" and "am I truly saved?"

What I saw scared me. I can practically say yes to ninety percent of what I read about false converts. If it were the inverse, I found myself saying no to ninety percent. Beyond acknowledging the Trinity, and the resurrection of Jesus, I searched myself and realised that I failed the other tests (not those novelty quizzes, but something like 2 Corinthians 13:5).

These are some of the sites:
www.gotquestions.org/false-con…
www.acts17-11.com/christian.ht…

Now, I shall tell you about the years I spent, those years with head knowledge of the Christian life. My belief in my salvation keeps going up and down every day.

When I was sixteen, I hated a boy from my class a lot. Then later I liked him. So I got frustrated and hurt myself. Then my friends decided to bring me to church camp. I can't remember what was taught, but I was sure it was not the message of salvation (the camp, obviously, was for believers who attended that church).

I was raised with a Buddhist background, so I was aware that the spiritual realm does exist (though not in the Christian sense). Therefore, a benevolent God was not something incomprehensible to me. I decided to go to church in secret, and I came across the knowledge of grace, and Christ's sacrifice and resurrection from sermons and church friends. I was like, okay, He died for my sins, and of I believe, my sins would be forgiven and I would have a relationship with God. So I prayed the sinner's prayer. But I had no idea that sin was indeed part of man's nature and it is central to Christianity, and a believer's relationship with God. My resulting mindset was that God could empower me to live as I wish, and confessing my sins was something alien to me.

After I told my parents, they gave me freedom to go to church until Good Friday, since the week of Good Friday comes before first years attend a polytechnic orientation program. I still desired the company and deepening my relationship with God, so I attended Campus Crusade (now called Cru) in my polytechnic (then again, in secret from my parents). It was there that I came across Ephesians 2:1-10 and indwelling sin. I was shocked that unbelievers are destined for hell (and I still believe that now).

I entertained the sins of procrastination and laziness, up to the point I stopped attending Crossroads (it is like a church service for Campus Crusader), and dropped out of the body altogether to finish the schoolwork I had pushed to the end (unlike an academic setting, pushing work to the end is disastrous on my performance, grades and skill level). Because attending Cru started to feel rote. There was no eagerness. I just wanted to learn something and leave. I did not feel like I wanted to be there as I felt like I was masquerading as a Christian. Why did I feel this way?

On one Crossroads session, it was brought up that no external affiliation makes one a true believer. I realised that my individual prayers lack emotion, are dry, even my worship feels forced. Reading the Bible on my own only makes me point out things I already knew from what others taught, and what I have read since going to church. I had no interest in conferences, I kept doodling on my worksheets. I have no courage or motivation to share the gospel. Any enthusiasm and eagerness for Christian-y things were gone.

I then drifted into a lifestyle and thought pattern so contrary to the Word. Sinful thoughts and fantasies, blasphemous things like "I like my sinful life now, so I am going to burn in hell anyway". And that was about two years after I prayed that prayer. Note that I didn't used the word 'saved'.

It was after an incident with "bodhi-tree seed amulets" my mom kept asking me to pray with, that I realised that kind of lifestyle was futile, and that God has mercy and grace just to simply keep me alive. Who says one only knows their fate when they are old and frail? I praised God, I gave thanks, and decided to commit myself to a relationship with Him again. Never did I realise that confidence and joy would fade after a few days. Prayer wad just heaping empty words. Whatever meaning the Spirit-indwelt believer could get from His Word, the meaning was wrested away from me. I know the story, but not the message. I was assailed by doubt and began the googling I mentioned before.

"Eagerness for His Word." "Obedience out of love". "Change in desires." I have none of these (I liked anime with questionable themes for those two years). I kept confessing every sinful thought and action the moment I commit them, yet I found no assurance in "Thank You for forgiving my sins, past, present and future with Christ's death on the cross." On some days I felt slightly encouraged, on other days I doubt my salvation. It didn't help that I was going solo (not joined to a body) and I did not go beyond acquaintances at school.

Now, a non-Christian may go "it's futile, just forget about this Christianity altogether." I want to be saved. But at the same time I knew that it's God who chooses whom to save (no one is righteous and seeks God on His own), and I feel no longing to come close to God. Am I that hard of heart that my fate is sealed in my late teens?

Intellectual assent is easy. Faith and trust is not.
Child of God by TamamoMae
Child of God
Let go and let God.

I let God use me to glorify Him instead of trying to show off on my own.

This was developed from a whiteboard doodle.
Inspired by :iconshaunsnow:'s Family of Faith Project (shaunsnow.deviantart.com/art/F…).


Testimony:
Before I first came to know about God, I was a hateful person. I could hate someone so much as to wish death upon them. It was agony. Until I first knew of God through secretly going to church.When I first accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour, I was not really aware that all humans have indwelling sin. When I came across this knowledge, I was shocked at first, but I hung on because I knew that God is a good God. Now I am aware of the sinful nature of us human beings and our need for a Saviour.

Now I shall share what else God has done in my life. Even during my first year as a Christian, I lived a Christian live with my own strength as I was not aware on how to depend on God to lead my life. I fell back into a carnal lifestyle when I hit into problems, revelling in sinful things and believing that I could not go to heaven cause I love sin so much. But one night, I thought of the incident of Ananias and Sapphira recorded in the book of acts, and God took away their lives as they un-repentantly sinned. I then realised that since God has power over life and death , what makes me think that I'll only know whether I'd go up or down when I am old and frail? So I repented, specified my sins to confront the filth as it is, and walked right with God again. I was made humble in the Lord. God has also graced me with other Christians, who made me see the importance of yielding to the Spirit to live a life pleasing to God. I also realised that since the Spirit indwells in believers upon receiving Christ, we Christians have the power of the Holy Spirit to keep away from sin (fruits of the Spirit). I saw some improvement afterwards. I helped out around the house. I have the desire to study God's word. I became more concerned about others. And I would need God's grace to overcome my hatred of those who wounded me when I was younger.

Sin was broken at the foot of the cross when Christ died on it. Those crucified in Christ have freedom over the power of sin. I now know that a sinful lifestyle is not a natural way of life (even though as sinful beings it feels natural).

I thank God for preserving me and upholding me. I give thanks to the Father who forgave my sins, past, present and future, when Christ died on the cross. May I pray that I be humble in the Lord, lest I get prideful and abandon the one who gives me strength. Amen.


Favourite song: Alabaster Jar.
It reminds me that in spite of me, God is gracious to save me. And to offer my heart and soul to worship Him, to glorify Him. And how worthy He is because of who He is.

Favourite verse(s):
Galatians 5:16 (ESV)
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.

Galatians 5:22 (ESV)
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control

These verses confirmed my thoughts that I have the freedom over the sin that was broken at the foot of the cross. And that I can ask these things from the Spirit to stay away from sin and please God, which pleases me also.
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I have not been posting deviations or journals from a long time. I would like to share what has happened to me.

As I was doodling a child holding the Bible, I was reminded of a Family of Faith Project by a user called Shaun Snow :iconshaunsnow:.
I did not take part in 2015's FOF project as I was spiritually immature. I was prideful; proud of my training as a visual artist and an animation student. My life was dishonest too. My faith was cold.

Until a moment, when my prebelieving mother brought back an amulet from a neighbouring country, and wanted me to use it to pray in front of her. As I refused, she started getting flustered, and told me that a simple plea from Jesus to lead a moral life got twisted into religion by man.

Even though my faith was cold, I knew that I did not want to have anything to do with the amulet. I shook my head when she told me over and over again to use it, "wouldn't it hurt you to have the blessing of both Jesus and the Buddha?"

That night, I realised that if my faith was so cold I have no hope of going to heaven, what makes me think that God would wait until I am old and frail to take away my life? I realised that God had given me time to repent. So I confessed my sins, specifically, to confront it and see it for the filth that it is, repented, and walked with God again.

And I want to share that as a Child of God, it is not too late to repent and walk with him again.

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SonicPossible00 Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fav!
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Phototubby Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for the fave!!
Attraction of colours. by Phototubby
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SarahCulture Featured By Owner 4 days ago
Thanks for the fave!
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cricketumpire Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Glad you enjoyed "What a feeling to fly..." Carrie-Grace   pokemon gif talonflame   The nearest we could get to this eagle in flight might be to hang-glide but even that would be second best I'm sure. 
Thanks so much for the fave     :typerhappy:     Please do keep on watching???
    
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Lolita-Artz Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Lolita Fav Thanks (Gift) by daniya-ART  Winter Fairytale by Lolita-Artz   Lolita Artz (Gift) by daniya-ART
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SeekHim Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2016  Hobbyist Writer

Thanks for the fave. :)

I notice you’re from Singapore. I’ve never been there but from what I’ve heard its very impressive!

 

I've found that a lot of people here in the U.S. don't know much about their own country, much less anyone else's.  :(

 

I post prayer updates about different countries. Part of the reason is to raiseawareness about what's going on in the rest of the world. If I notice someone on DA  is from another country, if I've done their country I let them know. Its my way of letting them know that others are thinking about their home. :)

 

This update is about your home!

 

 

fav.me/d53n67x

 

GOD bless

John 3:16

 

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SAUMIGUEL Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
 Thanks for the Fav .The Bishop The Bishop The Bishop . Thank you ! Carrie.Happy Bunny Wave - Beemote


P.S.  I read your journal : " I am scared ". For your faith related queries, it is better and wise to stop googling. You will get more confused; misinformed and deflected from God and probably harm your faith in God. If you are touched by the saving grace of Christ, then seek someone ( a catholic priest ) and get informed.

You say :

I want to be saved. But at the same time I knew that it's God who chooses whom to save (no one is righteous and seeks God on His own)

That is your misunderstanding about God. God wants all to be saved. God doesn't consider if you are worthy to be saved. Christ came into this world for the salvation of all. But people are still living in the darkness and confusion about true God ( the weed sown by the tempter ).

The answer to the quest about " true God " is given by Jesus Christ, the son of the living God. He says : "seek and you shall find. "

And if you seek the " Truth " with all your heart, then the " Truth " will come home to you and set you free- free from slavery to sin; free from all doubts and confusion about true God. yes ! from the confusion of so called Gods, one " Truth " will come home to you- only if, you are seeking the " Truth " with all humility and sincerity- just like zacchaeus.

You say :  I feel no longing to come close to God. Am I that hard of heart...

This is because, you haven't had the taste of Goodness of God- Jesus Christ, the son of the living God-the-Father. Once you try to taste HIS goodness through the " Holy Scriptures ", HE will bring you closer to HIM and then you'll feel the longing for Christ.



Have a Blessed day !!!
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KiwiChameleon Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2016   General Artist
Thank you so much for the fav! :D
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OtakuEC Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016  Professional General Artist
Thanks for the fav! :hug:
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Markkus76 Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the :iconfavoriteplz: on  Perros-Guirec :bow:

Your gallery is awesome, I like it :D 

... And hop, I'll give you a :iconlamaplz:, I hope you give me one back ;)

Have a good day  :) 


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